To All The Boys I Thought I Loved
I never
was able to truly love you the way you should have been loved, because I didn’t
know what love was, heck even now as I sit here typing this out, I only know
pieces of what that even means.
The fog
consumed my being as I held tight to a reality which I thought would come true
if I merely believed. If I closed my eyes and told myself that this was love,
this is happiness and this was how it was meant to be. In reality I was just
trying to live a life that others convinced me I needed to live, in order to
have all those things, because alone they were unattainable.
To those
I thought I loved Thank You. Thank you for the years of playing a part in my
fogged over make-believe world where the goal was to achieve the ending all fairytales
had… A Happy Ever After.
I didn’t know that the happy ever after I was seeking, were stories
told to be child friendly versions of the true tale. The tale I would come to
find after years of thinking I must not be trying hard enough, were hidden all
along behind the falsified love that was put into our heads at such a young
age. Those nights were I sat alone
within my own head, thinking if I just left I would miss out on the sense of happiness
I was promised I would find long ago, if only I found that one true love I was
meant to meet.
An aged
old notion that I needed someone in my life to be “happy” was a mere speck on
the road in which I would have to take before I was close to being able to
experience true happiness which would then turn into the love I was so desperate
to seek. So, as many of us do we go on a “hunt” to find that one person that would
make your life whole… I just wanted to
say, to all the boys I met along the way, if it were not for you, I may not
have found my happiness. You see without
experiencing all of what you gave and took away, I wouldn’t know what I truly needed
to be happy and finally feel loved.
I wrote
a story, to help organize my thoughts, while allowing myself to look back into
the past to pinpoint what each of you taught me. The past which I named The
Fog. I looked back on that fog, examining how I lived my life back then, even
now and found I learned something from you all and from some I even gained a
small piece of that love I was seeking. This is the happiness I brought with me
into a life without you. Do you know what I learned once I stepped out into the
world without a partner? I found I needed to learn how to love myself in order to
understand what would and will allow me to achieve that happiness and love I was
searching for all those years. I learned I could survive without being with any
of you, that I believe is one of the best things to gain after all the years
not knowing why I couldn’t feel the way I
thought I should.
So, to
all the boys I thought I loved. May you find what you too were trying to find
all these years.
If
anyone is interested in following my life through that lovely Fog, comment
below!
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