To All The Boys I Thought I Loved

 

                I never was able to truly love you the way you should have been loved, because I didn’t know what love was, heck even now as I sit here typing this out, I only know pieces of what that even means.

                The fog consumed my being as I held tight to a reality which I thought would come true if I merely believed. If I closed my eyes and told myself that this was love, this is happiness and this was how it was meant to be. In reality I was just trying to live a life that others convinced me I needed to live, in order to have all those things, because alone they were unattainable.

                To those I thought I loved Thank You. Thank you for the years of playing a part in my fogged over make-believe world where the goal was to achieve the ending all fairytales had… A Happy Ever After. 

I didn’t know that the happy ever after I was seeking, were stories told to be child friendly versions of the true tale. The tale I would come to find after years of thinking I must not be trying hard enough, were hidden all along behind the falsified love that was put into our heads at such a young age.  Those nights were I sat alone within my own head, thinking if I just left I would miss out on the sense of happiness I was promised I would find long ago, if only I found that one true love I was meant to meet.

                An aged old notion that I needed someone in my life to be “happy” was a mere speck on the road in which I would have to take before I was close to being able to experience true happiness which would then turn into the love I was so desperate to seek. So, as many of us do we go on a “hunt” to find that one person that would make your life whole…  I just wanted to say, to all the boys I met along the way, if it were not for you, I may not have found my happiness.  You see without experiencing all of what you gave and took away, I wouldn’t know what I truly needed to be happy and finally feel loved.

                I wrote a story, to help organize my thoughts, while allowing myself to look back into the past to pinpoint what each of you taught me. The past which I named The Fog. I looked back on that fog, examining how I lived my life back then, even now and found I learned something from you all and from some I even gained a small piece of that love I was seeking. This is the happiness I brought with me into a life without you. Do you know what I learned once I stepped out into the world without a partner? I found I needed to learn how to love myself in order to understand what would and will allow me to achieve that happiness and love I was searching for all those years. I learned I could survive without being with any of you, that I believe is one of the best things to gain after all the years not knowing why I couldn’t feel the way I  thought I should.

                So, to all the boys I thought I loved. May you find what you too were trying to find all these years.

                If anyone is interested in following my life through that lovely Fog, comment below!