Two Parts of a Whole

 

Understanding what makes your chest tighten and your mind run when new is introduced to you, is just one step out of the hundreds of steps you still have to walk which leads you closer to the point of finally saying I Got This, without talking yourself into falling back down those steps you once climbed.

I am an introvert, one that has challenges I face each day that no one can see. If you happened to find yourself with me and ask me about who I am, I may just tell you to read my written worlds. Because this is how I express myself, this is where I let myself be me, this is where I tell everyone my story. I don’t like talking about myself to others because I am not used to others wanting to hear about me and not who I believe they want me to be. For those lucky enough to get me to talk and see that awkwardness that comes with trying to avoid talking about myself, while talking about myself, firsthand, tend to make some of those people put their hands up and slowly back away. Then that voice comes back saying “I told you there was no point, why did you even try?” Bringing people like me down another step, a little further away than we were before, from allowing ourselves to be who we are outside of our own written worlds.

 

I spent my whole life being told I couldn't do something, that the thought of ever doing it is stressful. You tell yourself its fine, but then the voices of your past come back and tell you once again "you can't do it" invading your mind and you are once again doubting you could.

It’s stupid I know this; I also know I can do it. But something stops me, and I decide, is it really worth stressing myself out to do it?

The answer is usually no, but for the important MUST do things I do, stress and all. I end up laughing at myself when I find it is all the manipulation talking and it isn't bad at all. It’s just that moment of getting yourself to do it. That is the key to pushing yourself away from those voices forever.  That is the key to allow you to be you, and not care so much about what others think.

 

If you have never had this experience yourself let me tell you, the people that are trying to convince you, you can do it are only making it worse. It is like toping the pile of stress with "you can do it”, as you are stressing out, so the moment you fail it is even worse. They mean well, but it just makes my chest hurt and makes me not want to do it even more well I hold back the scream I want to just let out as loud as I can.  The worst moments during these whole episodes are those motivational speakers which say things like "get over it, you will have to sooner or later" which just make me angry. Yeah if I HAVE to then I will, this isn't one of those HAVE to moments, this is one of those do I really want to moments.  Once again all out of love I get it. But to all those who love one of us, these moments are not the ones you try to “help” with, these are just the moments to let us be silent and wait until we want to try talking this out again.  In those moments, the answer usually comes out as yes, I will or of course I can do it. But with out that process, without those quiet moments to allow us to freak out just a bit, there is no chance that we will say yes, I can.

 

Bringing yourself back from these moments is what truly counts, not how many times you fell back down, not how many times it took you before you even had enough courage to try, not that you failed, but that you TRIED.  These are the small moments that should make you smile and say “At least I tried. Next time I know I will be able to try again.”  For those like me these are the moments we live for.  The recognition we are able to give OURSELVES that “Hey, at least we tried and next time we just may make it!”